daily java

Daily Java:

I look up to the mountains—
    does my help come from there?
My help comes from the Lord,
    who made heaven and earth! (Psalm 121)

It is 2:58 in the morning and I just woke up for some reason.

I was dreaming odd dreams that were kind of combinations of past events in my life, places I had worked and jobs I had done. None of them were particularly great jobs, although they were enjoyable.

But when I awoke, I had a certain amount of peace. I haven’t had a lot of peace lately, thinking about too many things as is my wont to do. I tend to dwell on things in the past and think too hard on things now. When I do, I always box myself in, make myself unhappy.

But this time I didn’t. don’t know why, but I suppose I shouldn’t look a gift feeling in the mouth. Just shut up and accept it.

We over analyze, or at least I do. I look at the things that have happened in my life and wonder why they did, why God allowed them to do so, why they had to happen in the way they did. All that.

And it does no good whatsoever.

I suppose it comes from a certain life dissatisfaction that has permeated all of my thinking right now. I do not like how life is right now and want it changed. And I do not know how to change it.

I asked Ella the other day if our lives together had been good. She said, yes, sometimes. And she is right. There have been some times of heart-rending difficulty of some kind or another. Stuff that was happening to us that was bad. And then there were times that things happened that we were happy.

Looking back over it like that, especially late at night (or early at morning, depending on your perspective), gives it a flavor, a texture that is different than it is otherwise. That is the helpless time of night. It is the time you remember all your failures, but have no answers as to how to change them.

But I have to know that God is in control. I have to know that. If he were not, then life would be too bleak to imagine. If this is all there is, and I am adrift with no one ultimately who loves me, life is worthless. And I do not want to live.

But I know that no matter what else happens, he is my Rock, my Fortress, he is the Mountain of strength out of which comes my help. My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

I am not happy with how my life has turned out. Yet I also have to know that God is in control. There will be more in my life than just now. There will be better things come if I am just faithful and continue to worship him.

And I do worship him. How could I not? He is my King, he is my Lord, he is my Master. All that I am and have is his. All that I do and say and live is his. I want to do nothing that does not glorify him and I am sorry that I haven’t glorified him in all I do. I want to be better. I want to be a good and faithful servant. I want to enter into his rest at the end.

Ella will. She is so good. And I want to be with her. Even if we are not married in heaven, I want to be with her and love her through eternity, dance with her in the streets of gold, stand side by side, hand in hand.

I do not know what God will allow of us in heaven, but I sure would like to know her. And I think she wants to know me.

But until then, I look to him for my life, for everything I do, everything I say. I will go where he wants me to go and do what he wants me to do.

Praise his blessed and holy name.