how I could have done better

God’s promise of entering his rest still stands, so we ought to tremble with fear that some of you might fail to experience it. (Hebrews 4:1)

It is always at this time of day, late at night, that I start thinking about how I could have done better. It makes for a miserable night sometimes thinking about it.

But there is no way to undo what has been done. And there is no way to undo the overwhelming sense of failure that comes over you.

How could you have changed things? How could you make them better now?

I come to a job market that is unfriendly at best to men my age, and I come needing a job. I come needing a place to live. I come needing validity to my ministry and to my very soul.

And I have none of these.

I have rarely ever in my life been afraid. But I find myself that way now. I find myself afraid of letting my wife down, letting my children down, letting my Lord down. And I do not know what to do.

Pathetic to be at this stage in your life. You should be ready to retire and do the things you have always wanted to do. But I am stopped in my life.

And I am afraid that I have let down my Lord somehow. I do not know what to do or where to go. My wife and I are alone and would probably be homeless if not for the generosity of my daughter and her husband.

Of course, one reason we cannot get an apartment right now is because we gave them all our money to pay a very high electric bill. But in that instance, they needed it so what do you do? You help your children.

Unfortunately it puts  you in a bad place.

I sure am tired.

And my wife is getting tired too.