whine, whine

For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death. (2 Corinthians 7:10)

There is a point in which regrets begin taking over a person’s life.

I read an article today that said older people are happier if they remember that they can do little about the future they might have had if they had just done things differently.

The first thing I thought when reading that was “Well, duh.” And the sky is blue.

But it is true. What can I do about decisions I made in 1986 that were stupid decision and hurt me ultimately, maybe even for the rest of my life? Nothing.

And for me to sit and think about it is folly. But it is also the way I am made.

If I were given the chance to go back and do things again, would I take it? In a New York Minute, I would. Whatever that means.

But I would.

If I could just shake the sense of failure that has permeated my life. Failure on so many levels.

I do not understand why the people in this church hold me in such high esteem. The people on Sunday nights think I am great. And I do not know why. Why do they think I am great and the people in Lincoln didn’t. And the people in other places.

Why did I do so bad a job as a Pentecostal preacher? I feel that those who think highly of me would stop in a minute if they really knew me.

And the regrets about the things that I have done and not done in my life are just about to overwhelm me. I hate it, and my wife hates it, but there seems to be nothing I can do about it.

I just wish I could start here, right now, and change things. Make them better. But I cannot seem to find a job and I really have no idea even what denomination I would go into to go back into the ministry.

I want to be a pastor again, but where?

And it all comes together and makes me so tired and depressed that there are times when I am almost immobile. I almost long for that guy in Lincoln to comment again in the negative way he does so well just to wake me up.

I am tired.

No one reads this anyway, so I figure I can put it on here just to get it off my chest.

how I could have done better

God’s promise of entering his rest still stands, so we ought to tremble with fear that some of you might fail to experience it. (Hebrews 4:1)

It is always at this time of day, late at night, that I start thinking about how I could have done better. It makes for a miserable night sometimes thinking about it.

But there is no way to undo what has been done. And there is no way to undo the overwhelming sense of failure that comes over you.

How could you have changed things? How could you make them better now?

I come to a job market that is unfriendly at best to men my age, and I come needing a job. I come needing a place to live. I come needing validity to my ministry and to my very soul.

And I have none of these.

I have rarely ever in my life been afraid. But I find myself that way now. I find myself afraid of letting my wife down, letting my children down, letting my Lord down. And I do not know what to do.

Pathetic to be at this stage in your life. You should be ready to retire and do the things you have always wanted to do. But I am stopped in my life.

And I am afraid that I have let down my Lord somehow. I do not know what to do or where to go. My wife and I are alone and would probably be homeless if not for the generosity of my daughter and her husband.

Of course, one reason we cannot get an apartment right now is because we gave them all our money to pay a very high electric bill. But in that instance, they needed it so what do you do? You help your children.

Unfortunately it puts  you in a bad place.

I sure am tired.

And my wife is getting tired too.