I cannot eat for sighing; my groans pour out like water. (Job 3:24)I am fast becoming anorexic. I have eaten so little that it is amazing I am still alive.
Now anorexic is one word that I never dreamed would be applied to me. It is one of those things that happen to other people. But here I find myself in that situation: if I do not figure out how to start eating again, I will starve to death.
I am not sure why I am in this situation. It isn’t like so many of the web-sites say, a matter of low self-esteem and fear of being fat. I never have liked being fat, but I have also never tried to address it by not eating.
My anorexia stems from the cancer somehow. For a couple of months I could not eat because the cancer was blocking my esophagus and nothing would go through then when it was fixed temporarily with the stent, the heartburn was magnificent and I had trouble there. It kind of evolved into anorexia. I never wanted it.
Oh, sure, it was fun at first seeing the weight go away. I have always wanted to be one of those people who just didn’t eat much. I have always wanted that thin aristocratic look, tall and slim. But, not enough to work toward it. What I wanted was for the food to just not look good after a certain amount of time so I could quit eating.
But whatever the reasons I came into this, I am tired of it and want it to be through so I can eat again. I have lost almost 100 pounds. There are parts of my body that look almost skeletal. I still have enough fat on me that I do not look skeletal all over, but there are visible bones now. When I lie on my side, my rib cage and hip bones are prominent. I have no rear end padding. The toilet seat hurts.
My skin is beginning to hang. My muscles are gone completely, or as near as can be. My legs have no padding at the knees so when I lie on my side, they are bone on bone now. My shoulders are bony. If it were not for the fact that I have shoulders that are wider, I would look horrible.
Dressed I look fine. But people who have only known me for a couple of months are commenting on the fact that I am losing so much weight. They see it in this short a time.
I am tired of losing weight. I sure never thought I would ever say anything like that, for sure. I am at a point now that I could be happy, but as it is I will continue to lose weight and could lose another 30 pounds if I were not careful and cannot get to eating again.
Weird problem for a fat guy, losing too much weight. If I could just eat.
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