daily java

Daily Java:

I have been reduced to skin and bones and have escaped death by the skin of my teeth. (Job 19:20)

I have lost almost 110 pounds in the past four months, and my wife is scared.

It has been from the cancer and related issues, but at the same time, I am having trouble eating. And the more trouble I have eating, the worse the problem seems to get.

Ella says that she sees me dying before my eyes and is frightened.

I understand her problem. But, of course, she does what she has always done when faced with a situation like this: she begins to hector me, to almost nag at me. It is a voice and tone of voice that I dislike intensely. She knows that I do, bu tin situations like this, she almost becomes helpless in the face of how she feels.

She also knowns that it does absolutely no good, yet she cannot seem to leave that approach behind. She really does not know what to do.

She is scared for me, because she says she sees me, her husband, her lover, her friend, her caretaker – dying before her eyes.

And it is true to an extent. I cannot afford to lose much more weight before it begins to harm me. I even wonder if the heart attack last Tuesday was brought on by the stress of all that weight loss. I have read that anorexia brings on heart problems because of the stress, and I am beginning to approach anorexia territory.

It is a bad thing and I do not know what to do. I need to eat and I want to eat. On one hand. On the other, I am absolutely not hungry and have no desire to eat.

I mean, I look at the food, even sometimes lust after it, but after a bite or two, I am absolutely without any desire to eat.

I always admired those people who could do that. You know, just eat a little and then stop. I always wanted to just have a small amount of food and then push their plates away. I always admired that and wished I was like that, too.

It is a real conundrum. I know that the only answer is that I have to start eating or I will die of starvation. But I do not want to eat. And on top of it all, the Ensure drinks that I have had recommended to me by the medical people I talk to are all sweet. They taste either vanilla or chocolate variations and I really do not like them. I get really tired of sweet things and especially here lately. I suppose the lack of eating intensifies stuff and anytime I drink or eat a sewet thing it is like a sugar bomb. I do not like it.

I did discover beef broth today and it was good. But it is mostly meat and salt so I am not sure what its value really is. I do take vitamins in a fairly high quantity so I am not really concerned about that.

But I am concerned, for the first time in my entire life, over getting enough to eat. I am starving to death in a house with enough food to feed several hundred people. And it is all stuff I like: cheese, meat, sauces, lost of bacon. I could eat (and I did six months ago) like a king. But I starve like a pauper.

And I am tired of it. After looking at the pictures at the WinterFest 2013 last Saturday night, I look like a refugee from a middle eastern POW camp, gaunt, thin, haggard. And, of course, my brilliant idea of cutting my hair into a burr was not a ogod one.

I am going to ask the nurses Wednesday about this when I go for my weekly chemo check-up.  I may even ask the pharmacist tomorrow when I go to WalMart. They will probably mention the Ensure and the like and I already know that.

I have to get to the root of the problem.

I suppose that no eating shares a common root with eating too much, but it is the weird side of the equation. I have never had this problem.

I have to figure out how to begin to eat again, how to gain my appetite back, how to gain some weight. It is a very real problem and I have to get a handle on it.

It is not so easy to just sit down and say, “Now, self, we need to eat. So eat this and this and this.”

No. Start that gag reflex (and I never know what’s going to key it off) and I am through immediately. No further desire to eat and I will throw up on the table if I do.

Father God, bless me somehow with the ability to eat. Help me find an appetite. Ella and I are scared and need to find an answer so that I will not die. For myself, I do not mind. I am ready to go be with you and am quite tired. But Ella needs me. Help me, please, Lord. Give me the appetite to gain some of my weight back. Give me your presence and your power and touch me with healing. Help me eat. In Jesus name, the Bread of Life, amen.