For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. (Romans 3:23-24)I am feeling like a failure lately. I wasn’t here very long. I just got to a point that if I had to suffer one more fool gladly, I would shoot them.
So the failure weighs heavily on me. I am that kind of person, anyway, the kind that over-analyzes everything he does so that he squeezes all of the juice out of any good work he might do.
It is not that I want to do that, it is that I just do. The way I am made, I guess.
But – and here is the thing: there is always a bug in the Bible – but God knew that from the beginning. He didn’t call me and then slap his forehead in exasperation when I got tired after almost four decades of ministry.
He knew how I am made. In fact, he made me that way. So it comes to no surprise.
Now I am not condoning sin. But on the other hand, God knows how I am. And he knows that I am discouraged and burned out.
I am not sure what he will do with me. I know that He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. (Psalm 23:3). His word says that he will Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me (Psalm 51:10).
But all those things are somewhat academic when you feel like I feel. I want him to do them, yet I am afraid that he will not.
That is not a lack of faith. It is just human nature.
But I know this. It is not me that makes me good. It is him. He declares that we are righteous. He says that I am good. He doesn’t wait for me to become good, he just pronounces me good anyway. After all, there is no way I can become good by myself. Faith comes from him and even the desire to be with him comes from him.
So I wait. The failure lies heavily upon me, the burned out feeling, the feeling that I have been abandoned by the church, the feeling that I am alone, the sense that I have disappointed so many, including my wife, the desire I have to go ahead and disappear into drugs and alcohol that have plagued me all my life.
I just have to remember that it is he who saves, not me. It is his grace, not my ability that saves me.
And I praise him.
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