daily java

Daily Java:

Why am I discouraged?
      Why is my heart so sad?
   I will put my hope in God!
      I will praise him again—
      my Savior and my God! (Psalm 43:5)

The past few years have been hard on us and a lot of soul-searching has been done. After we have been here for almost a year and a half, it has come to my mind that the Lord is through with me as a pastor. The church here has not  done well and neither have we.

Problems came in the church right away, and they were the same problems that caused the young man who was pastor before to leave after only a year.

We dealt with these problems but, unfortunately, it gutted the church. And along with that, it gutted the church’s finances. We have gone broke here trying to make it work.

I finally decided and the district concurs, that I am finished here. I have decided that I am finished period.

I have been a pastor for almost 40 years. I have two degrees in it and have always tried my best. But, my best here lately has not been good enough. I have always promised the Lord that I would not take  his money if I felt like I didn’t deserve it. And it has come to my mind here that I am not doing well. So, I resigned.

It is one of those things that hurts you deeply. It is my whole identity. I have no identity other than that of a pastor. Yes, I am a father and husband and I have worked hundred part-time jobs to help at times, but all I have ever wanted to be was a pastor. All I ever wanted was the Lord saying, Well done good and faithful servant.

I am not sure I will hear that now. Yes, I believe he will let me into his rest, but probably with no commendation. In fact, I have trouble looking back over the almost forty years and seeing any real good done. I am sure there is, but I cannot see it.

I know why I am discouraged and why my heart is sad. Yet I put my hope in God and I praise him every chance I get. He is my Savior and God and there is nowhere else but to him that I go.

I will not turn away from him or his grace. They are too valuable to me.

But on the other hand, I am in a position in his kingdom that I have never been before. Now I am one of the members. In the past when I was going through the ordination process, I was a pastor looking toward a church.

Now I am not.

I am not saying I will never do anything in the kingdom. I still like to teach and I think I have a lot to give. I am still a good average rhythm guitarist with my 12 string to play in a praise band. I will still do other things.

But I am not longer a pastor.