I wish he would crush me.Part of the purpose for this blog is to air my thoughts. And consequently, some of my thoughts are complaints. Since not a whole lot of people read this journal, it won’t matter a lot if I put them on here.
I wish he would reach out his hand and kill me.
At least I can take comfort in this:
Despite the pain,
I have not denied the words of the Holy One.
But I don’t have the strength to endure.
I have nothing to live for. (Job 6:9-11)
I am tired of being tired. Several things have characterized this journey through cancer.
One is the lack of eating. I want to eat but cannot seem to be able to do anything about it. My body is turning away the food it needs to live. I am hoping some of the medication the doctor gave me today will help this and I can begin to gain some good weight.
Another is peripheral neuropathy, the constant tingling and pain in the outer extremities. Today it is particularly bad because it has moved into my left fingertips, my guitar hand. I am afraid that I am not going to play the guitar Sunday morning. I even played the guitar when I had surgery for carpal tunnel syndrome on my right hand. I kind of propped the pick in the cast and played. But I cannot do it with pain in my fingertips.
A third thing is dizziness and falling. I have even started using a cane. I fell for the fourth time today. I fell less than a month ago in the tub and almost couldn’t get out until Ella came and helped me haul myself out. I fell again last week at the chemo room in Mercy hospital where Ella was getting her Rituxun injection. In that one I hurt my shoulder really badly and skinned myself up.
The third fall was at church when I fell in the foyer, hurting the other side and the other shoulder, although not as badly. The fourth was today in the Target parking lot in Wichita. This one had a very bad hit on the back of my head. Why I was not hurt more I do not know, but one odd thing was that it kind of freed up my shoulder injury from last week. Strange.
A fourth thing is that I have lost my voice. What once was a magnificent voice is not a hoarse tenor that can barely sing.
And then there is the overwhelming tiredness and inability to do much.
I will just have to live with these. I do not like them but there they are. However, I will not deny my God and I will not turn from him. He is my God and I will ever serve him. Praise be to his Name.
Lord, I ask that you take these away and make my cancer go away. Make it so that I am an effective minister here. But above all, keep me close to you and to your grace. I praise you. Amen.
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