You will never again return to the land you yearn for. (Jeremiah 22:27)In the book of Jeremiah, the writer tells his people that they are being punished by God for past national sins and that they are going to have to go into exile from their homeland for 70 years. He tells them that he knows they do not want to and that they want to come back home, but then he tells them that they will never again see the land they love.
I want to be young again. I am not sure why I have been feeling this way, but I am not happy with the way my life has gone and want to change it, to do things differently, to make more of a difference than I have.
I read a quote today by somebody, I forgot who, that said, one idea of hell is on the last day of your life, just before you die, you meet a person who is what you could have been. To the writer, that was hell, too see what you could have accomplished, what you could have achieved if you had let yourself do it. I personally do not think I could bear it to see what I could have done.
When I was younger, people told me a lot that I was going to accomplish great things one day, that I was talented enough to do so. But I didn’t.
I made a lot of mistakes and bad choices throughout my life. And I would almost give anything to go back and change them. but instead, I am 63 and starting all over again in a new denomination. I don’t have but maybe 15 years left, 20 at the max, and here I am starting again.
I had the talent to become a great musician but grew up in an acappella church. I could have been a writer but never gave myself to it. If I had been more judicious, I could have been a big name preacher. I had the speaking ability and the personality, and when I was younger, the ability to get people to follow me.
But I was none of those things. Instead, I went from church to church, seeking something. Wanderlust afflicted me and I dragged my family around all over the place. I am broke, with little or no credit rating. I could not buy a car or house if my life depended on it.
I am an older man living in a tiny town, pastoring a tiny church and was grateful to get the job.
I also feel I have left out things I wanted to do in life for one reason or other. At many points in my life, I can point to a decision that was bad and resulted in our leaving where we were, or failing in where we were. I can also see where I could have gone in a drastically different direction if I had just known what I know now.
And I want to change it. But I cannot. I will never be any younger, no matter what I want or what good I think I might have done in the kingdom or fun I might have had in life.
Hebrews says that we live once and then face the judgment. Everybody does and so will I, even if I do not want to.
It is a foolish wish, I know. And it is one I wish I could get out of my mind. I think about it at night and consider the changes, how people would respond to me, like me better, etc.
Rampant nostalgia for that which is irretrievable is tiresome.
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