daily java

Daily Java:

I long for the years gone by when God took care of me,
when he lit up the way before me and I walked safely through the darkness.
When I was in my prime, God’s friendship was felt in my home.
The Almighty was still with me, and my children were around me.
(Job 29:2-5)

And now my life seeps away. Depression haunts my days.
At night my bones are filled with pain, which gnaws at me relentlessly.
With a strong hand, God grabs my shirt. He grips me by the collar of my coat.
He has thrown me into the mud. I’m nothing more than dust and ashes.
(Job 29:26-29)

The past couple of days have been rough ones for me. every once in a while, my mind goes into a guilt and a blaming spiral that, when once began, cannot stop. I begin to revisit failures and shortcomings. I come back to places in which I hurt someone or in which I, or we, have been hurt.

A lot of times these days come in the first day of a fast. It is as if my mind is trying desperately to derail the fast, to ruin the good that comes from it. It usually goes away. But yesterday it came full force and I am not fasting. I don’t know why.

But it hurts, nonetheless.

When I look back over my life like that, it seems worthless. There seems to be little of any good coming out of it. I am a failed preacher living in HUD housing, living off a paltry retirement check. I cannot get a job and we are so poor that I can barely at times breathe.

Oddly enough, though, I am doing a lot of ministry right now. We are what amounts to the entire hospitality ministry of Firm Foundation Church, I am jail minister, teach a Sunday night class, do most if not all of the writing and editing for the church, prayer ministry on Sunday mornings, occasional preaching. I probably do more than any other member other than the pastor.

But of course, I get paid nothing and have in a couple of months, come to the point of being desperate for enough money to have gas to drive to church.

I believe that because of the hospitality ministry, we have plenty of food. the freezer is full of good things. We have trouble with mile and such but we have plenty to eat.

But that is where it stops. Our furniture is all, with the exception of the bookcases and two lamps, castoffs I have gotten hold of. It is not that they are bad or anything, but none of our furniture was new when we got it.

I had to borrow $20 Thursday for a week. We get paid next Wednesday and we will be better then, but it will not be long before we run out again.

It is so tiresome and I don’t know why. I would feel like God has deserted me – and I have given it thought at times – but Ella comments that I am still able to teach people and to write things that come from God’s heart, so I don’t know.

I do ask why he has decided to hang this old preacher out to dry. After forty years of service, why am I so destitute. And I have seen other preachers like this too. I trusted him to take care of me and he hasn’t. I finally took early retirement since I could find no job whatever, so at least I would have a little, but the $336 a month will not go very far.

We have gotten so tired of this and the Lord has not shown us any relief. Instead Ella continues to fall and hurt herself. And life gets harder. And I have maybe 20-25 years of this left.