A long way down

I remember the days of old. I ponder all your great works and think about what you have done. (Psalm 143:5)
Remember your leaders who taught you the word of God. Think of all the good that has come from their lives, and follow the example of their faith. (Hebrews 13:7)

Since I left the Church of Christ, my life seems to have stopped. There was a time when I pastored large churches. I was somebody. Now, in the past few years, I have not. And I am not somebody, just a failed unemployed, destitute ex-preacher.

And I am beginning to wonder if I did what God wanted me to do.

It seemed like the right thing to do, to leave the Church of Christ. I no longer believed their core doctrines: baptismal regeneration, mandatory weekly communion and of course, the ultimate one, acappella music as the sole method of praise.

I also believed in my role as a pastor being stronger than it was allowed to be. In the Church of Christ, I was a hired hand at the beck and call of the elders, who were the real “leaders of the church.” I was staff.

But I begin to wonder how much of that was pride and how much was real conviction. Since I have come into those denominations that view their pastors as called of God and, at least on paper, lift them up, I have been at the beck and call of boards and councils to the point that I could not do what I needed to do.

So what was the difference?

I have even began to revisit some of my changes. I think I am no longer pre-millennial in my eschatology. I think I have come back to my original thought on the whole end-times thing and become, once again, Inaugurated Millennialist. I even wonder if I ever was a pre-mil or just went along with it to be with friends.

I also am moving to a different view of the Holy Spirit indwelling than I have held for the past few years. While I still believe in the baptism, I no longer believe that it has to have tongues. I think that tongues is one of the most overrated and underused and misused things in the church.

Most Pentecostal churches preach tongues as their doctrine, many times leaving Jesus and all of the other stuff behind.

Tongues to these people (pre-millennialism , too) have become what is preached. The grace of God and a life lived worthy of him are sidelined so that people can be taught to speak in tongues and be afraid that the world will end soon.

My teachers taught me differently, but I have noticed that, in many things, my teachers were wrong. They were certainly wrong on the role of grace in our lives. They were also wrong on the role of works. They overemphasized the wrong things and almost refused to consider the right ones. They de-emphasized the Spirit in our lives and overemphasized the Bible.

On the other hand, those in my home denomination had strength of commitment. Nothing could keep them from church. Nothing could keep them from singing. Nothing could keep them from giving. They loved to be together and do things together.

I suppose they could be excused a few problems in that they lived their Christianity. Too many of those I associate with now do not. They holler a good holiness, but do not practice what they preach.

So what do I do? I don’t know.

I cannot see myself going back into the Church of Christ again. I have visited there lately and would not be able to.

But on the other hand, I am sick of Pentecostals and their phoniness. The church I attend is a good one, but it is hard to get anybody to do anything.

A weird place to be in your life when you are  62. I ought to be at a place where I can look back over my life with a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction.

Instead I see a pattern of failure and loss. I used to be something. Now I am not.