failure

Finally, the king’s chief cup-bearer spoke up. “Today I have been reminded of my failure,” he told Pharaoh.  (Genesis 41:9)

Tonight I feel my failure so strongly. I am jobless and if it were not for Ella’s monthly check, I would be homeless. My body hurts, my feet are killing me, my hands feel like blocks of swollen pain.

I am to a point that I wonder what I am going to do. The failure of the past couple of years is so strong on me that I almost cannot bear it. It colors everything I see and think. My days are colored gray and I have become numb. I really do not care about anything and my depression is so deep.

I do not see anything that I have done that has accomplished anything. If my wife were to admit, she probably would wish that she had never tied up with me. my son wishes his life were different and my daughter is unhappy.

I look at friends who have good careers or worse yet, great retirements who are my age and younger. I sit and wonder what in the world I can do to change it, but I honestly do not know. I have sold about everything I have of any value. I think that if my friends knew the extent of my failure in life, they would leave me.

All I know is preaching the gospel and the Lord has decided that he is through with me. he seems to have turned from us. I can understand his turning from me, but why in the world would he turn from Ella. She is so good, so simply worshiping, so simply loving.

I don’t know how long I can keep like this. Something has to give. All I want to do is sit in a corner and stare.

I cry with Jesus, My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why are you so far away when I groan for help? Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. Every night you hear my voice, but I find no relief. Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel.

Something has got to happen. Please hear me, Lord.