Thinking about dying

He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever. (Revelation 21:4)

I had a heart attack this past week, as some of you know. I figured that with the cancer and Ella’s ITP, there was some free time, so I grabbed at the chance to use it destructively.

As someone asked once in another context, what brings you to the hospital? Reply: The ambulance. (ba dum dum) I am so funny. I’ll be here all week.

But anyway, I had a 90% blockage in one part of my heart. It may not have killed me, but I think it came close. The doctor went in with a cath and put in a stent. It is to match the one in my esophagus for the esophageal cancer.  Nothing worse than having a mismatched set. The other side of my heart had a 70% blockage, but he thought we could work with it.

While I was in the ambulance, I was thinking about dying. I felt I was in the valley of the shadow of death and I have always wondered what I would do there.

What I did was I praised God and thanked him for my life. I also asked him to spare me because I know Ella needs me. But the funny thing (funny in a relative sense) was that I was not afraid. I have trouble getting over that. It is not that I am such a spiritual giant or anything. But I have a relationship with my Lord.

That relationship is real. I may die – and we all will sooner or later – but even though I die, he is still my Lord. And I really believe he spared me because Ella needs me. My leaving would have been bad for her, so I stay.

That may be baloney, or whatever else, but I believe it. And I also believe that I am ready for Jesus to come and take us. However he comes, whether the believers first or everybody at the same time or what, I am ready. And I tell you too, that it is not a requirement on God’s part that we believe strongly in anyone of the philosophies of his second coming. It doesn’t matter how he comes. The point is, he will come one day and there will be no second chance.

And there is a peace in knowing that you are ready. It is a peace that I have felt so strongly the past few days, one like none I have ever had before. And I have had some interesting encounters with God in my life. This one, however, is different.

The old preachers at the Gospel Meetings (Churches of Christ had Gospel Meetings; Baptists had Revivals) always asked in their tearful invitations at the end of their sermons, “Are ready, brother? Are you ready, sister? Are you ready for Jesus to come again?”

And, at the risk of overextending the whole thing, I am. I also do not believe you can overextend it, actually, now that I think about it. God said so, and I believe it. It is that simple.

And then we go to that place where there is no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. We will be in the presence of God, full of praise and joy. What will we do there? Who cares? I just want to be there.

Join me. Give the Lord your full love and your full devotion. That is all he asks of you. He doesn’t ask great and miraculous things from you. Just that you love him as he loves you.

Do it. And you too will be ready.

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Daily Java:

But Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage! I am here!” Then he climbed into the boat, and the wind stopped. They were totally amazed, for they still didn’t understand the significance of the miracle of the loaves. Their hearts were too hard to take it in. (Mark 6:50-52)

It was rough being an apostle. Of course, you had the great points of daily contact with the Master, getting to talk to him and ask him questions one on one, something most of his disciples didn’t have. You got to be there and participate in the miracles he performed. It was a great job on one hand.

On the other hand, it was a hard job. They were constantly having to stretch themselves into what Jesus wanted them to be. and they were conflicted.

They saw him feed 5000 men with just a handful of food, yet they were afraid they would have to do without. They had watched him heal people, yet they were afraid they would be hurt.

And it wasn’t meanness or stupidity on their parts. Mark said that their hearts were too hard to take it in. That didn’t mean that they didn’t want to believe. It meant they just had not been around long enough with this radical preacher and his radical message to truly be able to assimilate it. Their hearts were not flexible enough would be a better translation.

In this passage, they are in a storm on the Sea of Galilee. They feel like they are about to die. Jesus will be without his apostles, their families will be without the husbands and fathers, they will die. What will they do? Help!!

But Jesus came along walking on the water and stopped the storm. Sounds simple when put like that, but it is what happened. The apostles were amazed, and it says they still didn’t understand the significance of the miracle of the loaves. It had been too short a time. They could not understand yet that Jesus said he would take care of them and provide whatever they needed, even shelter from a storm. He had a job for them and was not anywhere near ready to let them go it alone.

It was just too hard for them to take all this phenomena in. Their hearts were not flexible enough to wrap around this. It was just too great for them to understand.

So they flapped along day by day, baffled much of the time, worried that Jesus might be mad at them for not understanding, trying their level best to do so. And really, for the most part, succeeding.

But it didn’t really dawn on them. They could not yet grasp all of these lessons gleaned over three and a half years or so. It took the presence of the Holy Spirit on the Day of Pentecost to sort it out for them.

Imagine if you were in this same situation. We look at them through the prism of 2000 years of theological study and meditation. They saw it for the first time. What if your failures like this were written up in the Bible for billions of people to read about for thousands of years? It is like that in other areas too.

I remember talking to people who saw their first car when they were teenagers. I also talked to people who marveled at electricity. Most of us can remember when computers came out and they were scary little dudes to most people. They still are and I am pretty good at them, but I do not understand them.

They accepted these things, but just could not understand them.

But they tried. And there was the key. Only one – Judas – didn’t make it through. Which goes to show you that you can sit at the feet of Jesus for three and a half years and still be lost. It never penetrated from acceptance to belief in Judas’ mind and heart. He had his mind other places.

Sooner or later, they understood and then began to take these personal experiences and were able to build others’ faith, too.

But, as I said, it took the Holy Spirit to do it. They could not do it themselves. And neither can you. There is no real understanding of the word of God, written, spoken, indwelling or anything else, without the Holy Spirit to guide you and make your heart soft enough to wrap around his miracles and his power.

That is the only way you will ever learn.

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Daily Java:

Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. (1 John 4:18)

I am back! I almost died Tuesday. If I didn’t, then I was awfully close.

We were going for one of our interminable doctor’s visits to Wichita. Not far from home, my chest began to hurt badly. I figured that since I was going to the VA anyway, I would just go ahead and drive there. It was only two hours and if I could keep going, I would be fine.

It got worse, so I stopped in a convenience store in Howard, our county seat, 25 miles from home. I had already popped three nitroglycerines, so I bought 2 aspirins and crunched them. The other day this worked to stave off the pain.

It still got worse. By now Ella was worried and I decided to go into Howard and find the EMT’s and let them take me.

The VA turned me down, even though I have VA access. It seemed they do not have a heart specialist, so they sent me to St Francis, another hospital in Wichita (and probably a better one).

They had done a few things to calm the situation down and I was probably out of immediate danger so that they could operate on Wednesday afternoon.

As it turned out, I had a 90% block and a 70% block in my heart. They installed a stent through a heart cath in the femoral artery into the 90% artery. The operation was a success, except for the fact that all during the surgery it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. And I remember hollering. I usually do not holler, but I suppose the drugs weakened my holler resistance.

After sixteen horrible hours where I had to lie on my back (I am not a back lier (lyer? liar? –I was not lying, although I was lying – interesting) so it went long and slow.  I finally got to get up and came home Thursday.

It made it worse by the fact that Wichita got the most snow it had ever gotten at this time of year, but some great and wonderful new friends came in their four wheel drive Titan and took me home.

I have never been so happy as to see my home, my chair, my bed, Facebook with 8,326 messages telling me to get well. The latter was overwhelming, I don’t mind telling you.

And I am back.

My time here in Longton has been a hard tenure, even though it has only been about four months. It feel like a year or five. I was diagnosed with esophageal cancer, lost over 100 pounds in those four months, I have just about lost my booming voice. Ella got ITP, a blood platelet disease. This was in addition to the fact that she never quite got over the move physically.

Quite a lot to give a church with her new minister. Not really a bargain. But they have rallied around us and loved us and helped us and done so much for us. I really do not understand it. And as I told them at one point, I know churches that would have cut a minister loose because it was really an unfair thing to happen to them. But they loved us and helped.

And I love them more than they could possibly know. I would do anything for them and do not mind telling them.

But another thing that came from this weekend. My own response to impending death.

I praised God and was not afraid. That alone amazes me. I always wondered how I would do.

As the apostle Paul mentioned I am not afraid to die. And now I know it. But as he also said, it is better for me to stay here.

But if I live, I can do more fruitful work for Christ. So I really don’t know which is better. I’m torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me. But for your sakes, it is better that I continue to live. (Philippians 1:22-24)

I was ready and I and God knew it. But, on the other hand – and there is always an other hand – Ella needed me. I am her common draft animal and caretaker. She could get along without me, but it would be very difficult. Not to mention the grief that I know I would feel in the same situation of losing a life-long lover.

So I am back. And this I promise. I will be a better minister, a better father, a better son and I will be a better husband to my love (not necessarily in that order). And I will be a better follower of Jesus, my Lord and Savior.

And the point of it all, the scripture and my epiphany and all? It’s easy.

When you love God and you know God loves you, there is no need to be afraid. Even though you face death, there is no need to be afraid. Life is not all there is when you are in Jesus and when you have hold of his marvelous grace.

Even though you face death, you can still thank God and praise him. And when you are in him, and you die, it is not punishment you go toward, but reward, standing in the presence of your God, the Lord Almighty.

What a shame to live life so full of fear of death, full of fear of punishment, just full of fear. He is your God and he is greater than any fear you might have.

I will not be afraid. And I will love life and God and Ella and my church and the Church Universal and anybody else I can stick in front of me to acknowledge and love.

Praise his blessed name.

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Daily Java:

A huge crowd kept following him wherever he went, because they saw his miraculous signs as he healed the sick. (John 6:2)

Nothing makes for a popular guy like having stuff people want. You have enough money and everybody is your friend. If you are known as the guy who buys drinks for everybody whenever you go in the bar, it is not surprising that everybody likes you.

But when they start expecting it is when it gets kind of dangerous. If people begin to depend on you for what they want and you quit giving it to them, chances are they will get mad at you.

People were this same way around Jesus. He healed, he did really interesting things, and to some he was a never-ending source of entertainment.

In John 6, they are sitting around him after he had done a bunch of great things, miraculous signs, just waiting for something else to happen. In fact, they were so sure that he was going to do something good that they didn’t even bother to bring lunch.

Jesus saw that they were this way but he stayed with them anyway. He had come to tell them about the love and grace of God and meant to do so even though he knew they were going to get mad at him sooner or later.

But they were hungry so he fed them, making a lot of food appear from just a little. And the crowd loved him for it. Kind of like going to hear a politician and he gives everybody bar-be-cue. They eat it and think, this is great. All we have to do is follow this guy around and we have free food and free entertainment.

When he gets through, he has twelve baskets left over, just enough for his apostles. He is trying to show them that he can feed everybody and still have enough left over for them for a few days. He is saying that if they will give their lives to him, he will take care of them.

But he left his apostles and went out to pray. The apostles took a boat to the other side of the lake where they were supposed to go and a storm came up. They thought they were going to drown but Jesus came walking up on the water.

He asked them why they were afraid. Hadn't he just made a lot of food and fed 5000 men and their families? They were embarrassed and were scared of him.

Jesus can do great things both for others and in your life. He has promised that he will never leave you and that he loves you.

As long as we give ourselves to Jesus, he will be with us. he never promised a life of comfort or ease. Most of the apostles including himself died violent deaths.

But their lives meant something because they had given them to him. Without him, our lives are meaningless, just lived for nothing.

With him, we have the presence of the God and his Son who conquered the world and lives in our hearts.

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Daily Java:

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7)

The number of scary commercials the past few days really struck me. I have heard several times one with the voices of little children warning us that leaving them alone in the car for even a minute can get them killed. Another with children’s voices tells that without a GPS you will get lost and you will all die. Another was that you need to put leftover food into a shallow dish and refrigerate it immediately and clean your individual cutting boards (God forbid our food should mix) or you will die. The headline read: “Apple slices recalled due to listeria danger.” Be careful of the apples or you will die. If you vote for a certain candidate, you will die. If you do not vote for a certain candidate, you will die.

It is fear that drives us. Fear dominates us every day. Fear is in most of the headlines. And we are afraid. After 9/11, it seemed that all of a sudden the world got to be a scary place, and we began looking around corners everywhere for things that will hurt us.

Of course, it was before that, too. Remember the Tylenol scare of the mid-1980’s? Or the arsenic that was found on 2 grapes and an apple somewhere? Even further back, AIDS? Pintos would explode if hit right (or wrong)? There were razor blades in the apples at Halloween? Don’t eat yellow snow (maybe not that one)? It’s ten o’clock, where are your children? The bomb could explode at any time so we had to learn how to hide under our desks? Communists were everywhere?

We can only be so afraid before sooner or later it becomes the dominating force in our lives, replacing all else. It gets rid of love, it gets rid of human relationships, it makes us afraid to even let our children out of our sight. Our young people are afraid to even enter into relationships and get married out of fear.

It is a scary world today, we say. But it always was one. Bad stuff has always been around. But of course, with the advent of 24 hour cable news and on the spot reporting, it has looked even worse. We see it immediately and we get scared that it might happen to us. And we are practically gibbering with fear.

In 1985, we were talking about the Tylenol bottle that was found with an injection mark in the top and it almost put Tylenol out of business. Someone said that nobody would dare now to take a Tylenol. I took the bottle they were waving about in fear, shook two into my hand and threw them down my throat. The others gasped at my audacity. My response: I refuse to be afraid.

I refuse to be scared. I have the power of God in my heart and in my life. And as the scripture says in 1 John 4:18:

Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear.

If God is with me, there is no need for gibbering fear. I mean, I am not going to be foolish, eat ground glass or food out of a dumpster, play solitaire on the freeway; but I will not be afraid. I will live my life as a child of God and one of those protected by his grace, not as some slobbering scaredy-cat. I have that Spirit of power, love and self-discipline in my life. I have no room for fear.

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Daily Java:

Leaving that region, they traveled through Galilee. Jesus didn’t want anyone to know he was there, for he wanted to spend more time with his disciples and teach them. He said to them, “The Son of Man is going to be betrayed into the hands of his enemies. He will be killed, but three days later he will rise from the dead.” They didn’t understand what he was saying, however, and they were afraid to ask him what he meant. (Mark 9:30-32)

Jesus scared his apostles half to death. It was not that he was mean to them, or tried to make them afraid, but they were anyway. It was because of his power and the absolute authority he radiated. It was also that he said stuff that confused the daylights out of them.

Jesus walked into any situation totally unafraid. He talked to anyone and was awed by none. He stood up to crowds and groups of people that scared the apostles. He talked easily to huge groups, he did things that were amazing, he healed and even pulled people back from death. He walked large.

He would say things that were plain old baffling. What did it mean? What was he talking about? Some of what he said sounded vaguely accusatory to them, but then he would explain it in another way. They were always off-guard a little around him.

And above all else, he was so good. He never seemed to do anything wrong. He never made missteps, he never got unnecessarily angry, but when he got angry, he was scary. It was almost as if the power of God was flowing through his anger.

On top of all that, he talked about dying and they couldn’t figure out why. Why would he die and leave both them and his work unfinished? It made no sense to them for Jesus to come and do stuff and then just die. He was supposed to be the Messiah, and in their minds (as in the minds of most Jewish people), the Messiah was supposed to lead Israel back to it great power.

Here he does it again. The Son of Man (that was him, wasn’t it? They thought so but were never really very certain) was going to be betrayed (by whom? All his people loved him) and he would be killed (how and why? That seemed counter to all he was doing to be killed). But then the kicker: three days later he would raise from the dead. Great. Another riddle. What did that mean? Why die if he was coming right back?

They didn’t understand him. They were not great complex theologians like the religious leaders were and they just didn’t understand. Of course, they were beginning to realize that the great religious leaders didn’t either.

In fact, they were beginning to understand that the great religious leaders were full of baloney. Every time Jesus got near them, they would attack him and Jesus would make them look stupid. The great religious leaders hated him.

And the more the great religious leaders hated him, the more the crowd loved him.

Jesus baffled his followers.  They hated to keep asking him silly questions for fear he might get irritated with him, but they just didn’t understand him.

And if they asked him what he meant, he might tell them something they didn’t want to hear. So they were caught in a quandary. They decided to keep their mouths shut and just listen.

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Daily Java:

Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. (Luke 2:10)

Joy is something we are in short supply of. As a society we are unhappy. The Occupy Wall Street thing that was recently so in the news showed a strong undercurrent of unhappiness in people.

Road rage, going postal, fights at the grocery checkout counter – all look to a distinct lack of joy. After all, people that are joyful wouldn’t be doing these things.
Of course, there is a great deal of difference between joy and happiness. Although happiness  would probably come as a result of joy.

But the angels in the verse above didn’t tell the shepherds that the Savior would come to make everybody smile real big and laugh a lot. Anybody that tells you Christians do that is full of religious beans.

He came to bring us internal satisfaction. And internal satisfaction – the knowledge that everything will be fine and that your life is not worthless – is joy.

It is something that people will see, of course. It sure shines from my wife’s face. I tend to be an overly analytical guy who thinks too much and carries too much around for it to show a lot, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t there.

It just doesn’t necessarily show itself in smiley lips.

The angels came to the shepherds when Jesus was born to tell them one thing. They came to say that ordinary people, just like those shepherds, would also have joy in life. Joy was not something you buy or inherit or get as a result of doing something.

It is an internal feeling, an internal knowledge, an internal satisfaction that someone loves you, that someone cares for you.

That is joy. And today is the Sunday of Joy in our Four Sundays of Advent.

Think about it. Get in touch with your inner self and feel and know that joy. If Jesus is in  you, it is there. You may have to look for it, but it is there.

He gave it to you.

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Daily Java:

God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7)

We are a scared society. We are scared of terrorists, we are scared of each other, we are scared of our cars breaking, scared of our food poisoning us, scared of our drugs, of our environment, of our very existence.

To feed this, every day, the news media tells us another bad thing happening in the world. And not only do they tell us about it, they go there with cameras and take pictures of suffering people and get stories of suffering so that we can know exactly what it is and exactly how we need to be scared.

After a while, it breeds suspicion. It is a suspicion not only of each other, but of all of the stuff we use and come into contact with.

The worst part is that we have to use these things, we have to see each other, we have to live in this scary world. and that makes us eve more scared. There is nowhere we can go to get away from the fear.

We are afraid because we do not trust God. We are afraid because he is not firmly enough planted in our lives. Because he is not there strongly enough, we have to rely on ourselves. And we are not enough to protect us from the thought of dying.

There it is. We are afraid of dying. And all of the stuff around us is the stuff that will kill us.

When God is in our lives, death is not the great Monster that it is when he is not in us. And what is more, fear is not the pervading feeling in our lives.

That is not to say the Christian will not be afraid on occasions. God gave us a healthy dose of self-preservation instinct to keep us from harm. And he expects us to use it.

But when a person is in Jesus, in his grace and in the presence of God, he doesn’t need to be afraid.

Whatever it is you are afraid of, it is not a fear that is sent by God. It is sent by your own heart in its effort to rule your heart instead of letting God rule it.

Fear of change, fear of having the wrong translation, fear of certain food and drink, fear of worshiping wrongly – these are all fears of the devil, not of God. And they are one of his greatest tools to separate you from God. As long as you are afraid, you have trouble really living for God.

If it comes from God, it is power, love and self-discipline. If it comes from God, it is strength to live. If it comes from God, it is power to praise him anyway no matter what else happens. If it comes from God, it is the ability to look at the scary world and say If God is for us, then who can ever  be against us (Romans 8:31).

When we recognize that power, we learn to live above the world. the scary stuff is still there, but it is not as important any more. He is in control.

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Daily Java:

The Lord has given me a strong warning not to think like everyone else does. He said,
 “Don’t call everything a conspiracy, like they do,
      and don’t live in dread of what frightens them.
 Make the Lord of Heaven’s Armies holy in your life.
      He is the one you should fear.
He is the one who should make you tremble.
     He will keep you safe.” (Isaiah 8:11-14)

Today is the commemoration of 9/11, remembering the atrocity of 2001 when Muslim terrorists flew hijacked planes into the twin towers of the World Trade Center.

As I listen to people talk about it, there is always the occasional fruitcake that decides that it is a government plot to go to war. They figure the government says, if we can get someone to do this kind of thin, everyone will let us attack the middle east and we can grab their oil reserves.

You hear these conspiracies everywhere about everything. And after a while, if you listen enough, even the well-balanced of mind can begin to wonder if there is any truth in them.

But the Lord told Isaiah, and it fits so well for us today, don’t live in fear. Don’t take everything as a fearful thing. Don’t live in dread, don’t let the mindset of the world take over.

The world is afraid because there is no hope for it. They have not embraced the heart of God and therefore they are afraid: afraid of conspiracies, disasters, everything. Everything looms large in their lives because this life is all they have.

The apostle Paul told us in 2 Timothy 1:7, For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. We do not have a God that requires us to be afraid. The Spirit that the Lord gave us was a Spirit of victory, not fear.

If we are afraid all the time, we do not have the Spirit of God in control. He is a Spirit of power and rules over our lives giving us power over this world.

We will never know what went through those men’s minds as they hijacked those planes and flew them in the World Trade Center.

But one thing for sure, we do not have to sit around in fear of it happening again. It may happen again, and other things may happen. But we do not have to be afraid.

As Jesus himself said: Don’t be afraid of those who want to kill your body; they cannot touch your soul. Fear only God, who can destroy both soul and body in hell. (Matthew 10:28)

We do not have to be afraid. God is in control.

where are you, God?

My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?
      Why are you so far away when I groan for help?
Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer.
      Every night you hear my voice, but I find no relief.
Yet you are holy,
      enthroned on the praises of Israel. (Psalm 22:1-3)

Things happen to you and people say where is your God now? And you have to say, I do not know.

The psalmist felt this in his cry to God. Stuff is happening that is bad, that hurts not only me but my whole family. Where are you? Why is this happening? Where are the promises you made to me so long ago? Where are you?

Jesus felt it, too, on the cross when he cried out to God, Why have you abandoned me? even though he knew the reason for it all, he felt so keenly the absence of God in his life. His human side screamed, Wait! I didn’t know it would be like this! His divine side said, Your will be done.

But the human side felt it. God was nowhere around. He was not there.

The psalmist felt the same way. Where is God? Where are you? I need you and you are far away. I call on you every day and you never hear.

David was obviously going through some tough times and he needed God and God was not there for him. He was there for God, but God was not there for hi.

Job was the same. He needed God, but God was passively watching, along with the Devil, to see how Job was going to do in trouble. God knew, of course, but he wanted satan to see it.

But in the meantime, Job was hurting on a level that it is hard to understand. He had lost everything for no good reason. His wife was hurting too, and saw his pain, and all she could think to do was encourage him to go ahead and curse God and get it over with.

Where is God? Where was he when David cried out? Where was he when Jesus cried out? Where was he when Job cried out? Where is he when I cry out?

I am not in the same spiritual league as David, Jesus and Job. I know that. But if he knows each of us enough to count the hairs on our heads (Luke 12:7), then he knows what we need. And he could answer us.

So what is the point of standing around watching us and knowing we need him so badly? Why wait? Why not keep the promises he made in our lives so long ago?

In Jeremiah 29:11, he says: For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” When will they come? How old do I have to be before they start? Have I sinned so much, is my sin so great that he cannot work through it?

And even if it is, what about my wife? She is good on a level I could never hope to be. She is holy. And she shares the problems I have. She has to. She is trapped in my world. What about her. Did he make no plans for her? Does he not care about her.? Could he not bless her somehow and bypass me? Is the Lord of the Universe so unimaginative that he cannot figure out how to help her and leave me alone, if I am so sinful?

We need you, God. We are desperate for you, as the song says.

Yet I know that you are holy. And when I sing praises to you, I know that you are in them. I can feel your presence. You live in my praise.

But why do the other things happen and we become impoverished, we remain without a car and the means to buy one? We have food, for sure. You have blessed us with food overflowing as a result of our generosity to others with it.

But we are about to have no home in which to put the refrigerator with the food, or to have a place to feed people.

You have given me dreams of helping others. The dreams of that stupid coffeehouse that for some reason you will not allow me to let go of. The dreams of empowering young people to answer your in their music. The dreams of feeding crowds, of helping young people find you and find themselves in you. The dreams of teaching and guiding.

Were they pipe dreams? Am I really a free-lance fool who just happens to be working for you right now?

I am a lousy pastor, but I love your church. And I am a sinful man, but I love you. Why have you never allowed me to find my place? I am growing older and will soon be too old to effectively serve you. Yet I still wait.

Why? Why have you forsaken me?

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Daily Java:

They called in the apostles and had them flogged. Then they ordered them never again to speak in the name of Jesus, and they let them go. The apostles left the high council rejoicing that God had counted them worthy to suffer disgrace for the name of Jesus. (Acts 5:40-41)

I really have trouble understanding how someone can rejoice after being whipped. I also wonder how I would do in the same situation.

I love God and he knows it. However, there comes a time when the public manifestation of that love will cause problems.

In the sixth grade, I had a teacher named Mr Tisdale. He taught science. One day (this would have been in 1962 or so) he was going to teach us about evolution. Of course, it was not as widely taught at the time as today, as Christians were a lot more dominant then in Texas.

Before he started, he asked, almost in an off-handed way, By the way, does anyone in here not believe in evolution. My hand leaped up into the air like the good Christian boy I was. I looked around to see the agreement and, to my dismay, I was the only one with my hand in the air.

I dropped my hand like it was on fire. Mr Tisdale said, okay, Johnny, tell us why you don’t believe in evolution.

I really didn’t know at the time, but I was hyper-conscious of all of my classmates looking at me. After all, I had been the only one who had the courage (?), temerity, whatever to raise my hand.

He waited. I said, Never mind. He said, go ahead, Johnny, tell us. I said, more firmly, never mind. Finally he went on with his lesson.

I have always thought that what he did was the essence of the bully. He knew I was just a Junior High kid and had no way of refuting him, no way of speaking truth to power. I didn’t have the evidentiary knowledge needed to make my case. I didn’t have the maturity to know that sometimes your teacher is a fool. Yet he pressed anyway.

He was wrong in what he did. And I was wrong in not doing what I didn’t do. I was ashamed, and, almost fifty years later, can still feel that shame. Right now, sitting at this computer, I can still feel how it felt that day in Mr Tisdale’s class when I sold out the Lord out of fear.

Now I know the Lord does not hold it against me. I was 12, it was a time of life in which children are afraid of bucking their peer group, he was an authority figure – all that was true.

But what if? What if I had stood up and boldly proclaimed my belief in creationism? What if I had boldly proclaimed the reason I was a Christian?

And then I would have flown around the room dispensing candy to all of the children.

That was as likely to happen as my bold proclamation.

But the point is, I have never done that again. I will not turn  now. And the apostles were faced with that same thing. They were told not to do something, they did it, and were more than willing to face the consequences.

In fact, they rejoiced that they had done what was right anyway.

These were strong men and full of grace.

Right now, in the middle east, Christians are facing that same problem. They are told not to preach yet they do and are killed for it.

However, in America, the land of the free and the home of the brave, one nation under God, children are told by school officials that they are not allowed to share their faith and are suspended when they do.

The world is anti-Christ. Our job is to bring him into it anyway, just like these men did in Acts 5. It takes a lot of courage and the ability to do things anyway even when opposed.

But, as one of those apostle said, still probably bearing the scars after half a century, But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world. (1 John 4:4)