Thinking about dying

He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever. (Revelation 21:4)

I had a heart attack this past week, as some of you know. I figured that with the cancer and Ella’s ITP, there was some free time, so I grabbed at the chance to use it destructively.

As someone asked once in another context, what brings you to the hospital? Reply: The ambulance. (ba dum dum) I am so funny. I’ll be here all week.

But anyway, I had a 90% blockage in one part of my heart. It may not have killed me, but I think it came close. The doctor went in with a cath and put in a stent. It is to match the one in my esophagus for the esophageal cancer.  Nothing worse than having a mismatched set. The other side of my heart had a 70% blockage, but he thought we could work with it.

While I was in the ambulance, I was thinking about dying. I felt I was in the valley of the shadow of death and I have always wondered what I would do there.

What I did was I praised God and thanked him for my life. I also asked him to spare me because I know Ella needs me. But the funny thing (funny in a relative sense) was that I was not afraid. I have trouble getting over that. It is not that I am such a spiritual giant or anything. But I have a relationship with my Lord.

That relationship is real. I may die – and we all will sooner or later – but even though I die, he is still my Lord. And I really believe he spared me because Ella needs me. My leaving would have been bad for her, so I stay.

That may be baloney, or whatever else, but I believe it. And I also believe that I am ready for Jesus to come and take us. However he comes, whether the believers first or everybody at the same time or what, I am ready. And I tell you too, that it is not a requirement on God’s part that we believe strongly in anyone of the philosophies of his second coming. It doesn’t matter how he comes. The point is, he will come one day and there will be no second chance.

And there is a peace in knowing that you are ready. It is a peace that I have felt so strongly the past few days, one like none I have ever had before. And I have had some interesting encounters with God in my life. This one, however, is different.

The old preachers at the Gospel Meetings (Churches of Christ had Gospel Meetings; Baptists had Revivals) always asked in their tearful invitations at the end of their sermons, “Are ready, brother? Are you ready, sister? Are you ready for Jesus to come again?”

And, at the risk of overextending the whole thing, I am. I also do not believe you can overextend it, actually, now that I think about it. God said so, and I believe it. It is that simple.

And then we go to that place where there is no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. We will be in the presence of God, full of praise and joy. What will we do there? Who cares? I just want to be there.

Join me. Give the Lord your full love and your full devotion. That is all he asks of you. He doesn’t ask great and miraculous things from you. Just that you love him as he loves you.

Do it. And you too will be ready.

daily java

Daily Java:

Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. (1 John 4:18)

I am back! I almost died Tuesday. If I didn’t, then I was awfully close.

We were going for one of our interminable doctor’s visits to Wichita. Not far from home, my chest began to hurt badly. I figured that since I was going to the VA anyway, I would just go ahead and drive there. It was only two hours and if I could keep going, I would be fine.

It got worse, so I stopped in a convenience store in Howard, our county seat, 25 miles from home. I had already popped three nitroglycerines, so I bought 2 aspirins and crunched them. The other day this worked to stave off the pain.

It still got worse. By now Ella was worried and I decided to go into Howard and find the EMT’s and let them take me.

The VA turned me down, even though I have VA access. It seemed they do not have a heart specialist, so they sent me to St Francis, another hospital in Wichita (and probably a better one).

They had done a few things to calm the situation down and I was probably out of immediate danger so that they could operate on Wednesday afternoon.

As it turned out, I had a 90% block and a 70% block in my heart. They installed a stent through a heart cath in the femoral artery into the 90% artery. The operation was a success, except for the fact that all during the surgery it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. And I remember hollering. I usually do not holler, but I suppose the drugs weakened my holler resistance.

After sixteen horrible hours where I had to lie on my back (I am not a back lier (lyer? liar? –I was not lying, although I was lying – interesting) so it went long and slow.  I finally got to get up and came home Thursday.

It made it worse by the fact that Wichita got the most snow it had ever gotten at this time of year, but some great and wonderful new friends came in their four wheel drive Titan and took me home.

I have never been so happy as to see my home, my chair, my bed, Facebook with 8,326 messages telling me to get well. The latter was overwhelming, I don’t mind telling you.

And I am back.

My time here in Longton has been a hard tenure, even though it has only been about four months. It feel like a year or five. I was diagnosed with esophageal cancer, lost over 100 pounds in those four months, I have just about lost my booming voice. Ella got ITP, a blood platelet disease. This was in addition to the fact that she never quite got over the move physically.

Quite a lot to give a church with her new minister. Not really a bargain. But they have rallied around us and loved us and helped us and done so much for us. I really do not understand it. And as I told them at one point, I know churches that would have cut a minister loose because it was really an unfair thing to happen to them. But they loved us and helped.

And I love them more than they could possibly know. I would do anything for them and do not mind telling them.

But another thing that came from this weekend. My own response to impending death.

I praised God and was not afraid. That alone amazes me. I always wondered how I would do.

As the apostle Paul mentioned I am not afraid to die. And now I know it. But as he also said, it is better for me to stay here.

But if I live, I can do more fruitful work for Christ. So I really don’t know which is better. I’m torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me. But for your sakes, it is better that I continue to live. (Philippians 1:22-24)

I was ready and I and God knew it. But, on the other hand – and there is always an other hand – Ella needed me. I am her common draft animal and caretaker. She could get along without me, but it would be very difficult. Not to mention the grief that I know I would feel in the same situation of losing a life-long lover.

So I am back. And this I promise. I will be a better minister, a better father, a better son and I will be a better husband to my love (not necessarily in that order). And I will be a better follower of Jesus, my Lord and Savior.

And the point of it all, the scripture and my epiphany and all? It’s easy.

When you love God and you know God loves you, there is no need to be afraid. Even though you face death, there is no need to be afraid. Life is not all there is when you are in Jesus and when you have hold of his marvelous grace.

Even though you face death, you can still thank God and praise him. And when you are in him, and you die, it is not punishment you go toward, but reward, standing in the presence of your God, the Lord Almighty.

What a shame to live life so full of fear of death, full of fear of punishment, just full of fear. He is your God and he is greater than any fear you might have.

I will not be afraid. And I will love life and God and Ella and my church and the Church Universal and anybody else I can stick in front of me to acknowledge and love.

Praise his blessed name.