This cancer has had some strong effects on my life

He has sent fire from heaven that burns in my bones. He has placed a trap in my path and turned me back. He has left me devastated, racked with sickness all day long. (Lamentations 1:13)

This cancer has had some strong effects on my life, some of which I would never have guessed.

First is an odd effect: my eyes have gained a haunting look to them. Ella says it is disconcerting. She has that same look at time and she tells me that people in severe pain gain it. I have been in a lot of pain since this whole thing began. It seems that the temporary fix the doctor put in – the stent to hold my esophagus open – has hurt more than the other. It has been a considerable amount of pain, more than I ever dreamed of having. and I suppose it shows in my eyes.

I don’t particularly like that, but it is too bad. My eyes have always been a bit on the intense side. I was always able to stare people down because of it. But now they look like some kind of Old Testament prophet, especially with my hair longer and gray. She says I have to learn to set my face in a smile. Since she has done a good job herself with her own pain, she knows what she is talking about. Never had to control my eyes before.

Second is my weight loss. Since I couldn’t eat at all for a while and only sparingly now, I have lost a lot of weight. All of my clothing fit differently now than before. Most of them are too big and I had to give them away. Otehrs are just right. Some of them are older clothing that I have kept around hoping one day I could fit them again. And now they do. However, my suit is almost too big and I haven’t hardly worn it. It has always been too small.

This is part of the third thing too. My bones are becoming more and more prominent. It is odd to feel them. If it were not for the fact that my stomach seems to be distended and bloated, I would be gaunt looking. My stomach is not particularly big, but it has something going on inside it that makes it swell just a bit. I need to work out, which I plan on doing after I get all the stuff underweigh for the chemo-therapy. This is a great town for walking so that is what I will do.

Fourth is general fatigue. I am so tired all the time. The pain leaches your strength nad makes it hard to do what you need to do.

Along with that is the fact that I sleep a lot. Again, the easiest way to deal with pain is to sleep. Couple that with the sleepiness that  comes with the drugs I have to take and I take them in mega-quantities and I am always a little looped.

I guess I am just going to have to live with it. If I had known cancer was such a hassle, I would never have gotten it.