i left the Cooper County jail for the last time today

Some sat in darkness and deepest gloom, imprisoned in iron chains of misery. (Psalm 107:10)

I left the Cooper County jail for the last time today. The misery was strong tonight. One man was worried because his trial was tomorrow and he didn’t know what would happen. Another had been put in solitary because he had complained of physical problems. His friend in another cell block missed him and was alone for the first time in several months. The men he had been friends with had been sent to prison. Another was the brother of the man in solitary and he had been told nothing about his brother and was worried.

Then I went into the guard room. They were laughing about all of the things happening to the inmates. To them it was funny and the inmates’ own faults.

Whether it was or not I do not know. What I do know was that I knew these men better than the guards did. And they were in pain. And the guards didn't care.

Now these guys may have been lying to me every one. The inmates lie as a matter of course many times and you never really know if what they are saying is true. But some of these men I have known now for nine months and have heard their problems and their hearts. They are in there for drugs, rape, assault, DUI – but on the other hand, they are people. And they are just, for the most part, charged. They are not convicted. They deserve better.

I do not think I am strong enough for jail ministry. I know why the guards make such fun. they are distancing themselves from the inmates and making them less so that they can handle what they do. But it is such a small distance from that to brutality. And I hate brutality.

I will probably not go into the jail again. It hurt them that I was leaving. I am their only real link to the outside world. I wear brightly colored clothes and smell of freedom. I talk to them and call them by name. I shake their hands and ask about where they are from. I ask about their family and I talk to them. I ask what they think and I am the only person who does so. I am the only person in years for some who has expressed any personal interest.

And now I am gone. They will probably not see me again. One more disappointment,

Tonight I am depressed. I don’t think I will go in a jail again.

A long way down

I remember the days of old. I ponder all your great works and think about what you have done. (Psalm 143:5)
Remember your leaders who taught you the word of God. Think of all the good that has come from their lives, and follow the example of their faith. (Hebrews 13:7)

Since I left the Church of Christ, my life seems to have stopped. There was a time when I pastored large churches. I was somebody. Now, in the past few years, I have not. And I am not somebody, just a failed unemployed, destitute ex-preacher.

And I am beginning to wonder if I did what God wanted me to do.

It seemed like the right thing to do, to leave the Church of Christ. I no longer believed their core doctrines: baptismal regeneration, mandatory weekly communion and of course, the ultimate one, acappella music as the sole method of praise.

I also believed in my role as a pastor being stronger than it was allowed to be. In the Church of Christ, I was a hired hand at the beck and call of the elders, who were the real “leaders of the church.” I was staff.

But I begin to wonder how much of that was pride and how much was real conviction. Since I have come into those denominations that view their pastors as called of God and, at least on paper, lift them up, I have been at the beck and call of boards and councils to the point that I could not do what I needed to do.

So what was the difference?

I have even began to revisit some of my changes. I think I am no longer pre-millennial in my eschatology. I think I have come back to my original thought on the whole end-times thing and become, once again, Inaugurated Millennialist. I even wonder if I ever was a pre-mil or just went along with it to be with friends.

I also am moving to a different view of the Holy Spirit indwelling than I have held for the past few years. While I still believe in the baptism, I no longer believe that it has to have tongues. I think that tongues is one of the most overrated and underused and misused things in the church.

Most Pentecostal churches preach tongues as their doctrine, many times leaving Jesus and all of the other stuff behind.

Tongues to these people (pre-millennialism , too) have become what is preached. The grace of God and a life lived worthy of him are sidelined so that people can be taught to speak in tongues and be afraid that the world will end soon.

My teachers taught me differently, but I have noticed that, in many things, my teachers were wrong. They were certainly wrong on the role of grace in our lives. They were also wrong on the role of works. They overemphasized the wrong things and almost refused to consider the right ones. They de-emphasized the Spirit in our lives and overemphasized the Bible.

On the other hand, those in my home denomination had strength of commitment. Nothing could keep them from church. Nothing could keep them from singing. Nothing could keep them from giving. They loved to be together and do things together.

I suppose they could be excused a few problems in that they lived their Christianity. Too many of those I associate with now do not. They holler a good holiness, but do not practice what they preach.

So what do I do? I don’t know.

I cannot see myself going back into the Church of Christ again. I have visited there lately and would not be able to.

But on the other hand, I am sick of Pentecostals and their phoniness. The church I attend is a good one, but it is hard to get anybody to do anything.

A weird place to be in your life when you are  62. I ought to be at a place where I can look back over my life with a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction.

Instead I see a pattern of failure and loss. I used to be something. Now I am not.

leaving, praying and loving

We had our last Sunday here in Boonville at Firm Foundation today. Class tonight was good, talking about Galatians 5 and my life verse, the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself in love (Galatians 5:6). We also talked about people trying to control others in the church by the imposition of their ideas as gospel.

Paul’s comments in Galatians 5 was that people try hard to make others do what they want in order to be holy. Pentecostals have been bad at that in the past, as have others. Sometimes people have such a strong picture of what they want that it is hard to imagine others not having that same picture. It is always wrong to mandate your ideas on someone else and call them God’s commandments.

After class, the group prayed for us. It was a moving experience and it was great. We will truly miss this group.

Next week, Lord willing and the creek don’t rise, we will be in Lincoln. In two weeks, we meet with the district representatives to talk about whether or not I am a wacko. If they decide that I am okay, then we will be appointed to Lincoln. We do not intend to retire, so we may be there for a long time. we certainly do not intend to ever leave there. We intend to make that our home until we die. I am so tired of moving. I want to set down roots, to have a place that when they think of a pastor, they think of me. We don’t have much time left – 25 years at the most, prob more like maybe 15.


I think I will always love these people. They are fine people and they accepted and loved me when I was beaten and rejected and alone. We have carved out a place here that I never expected to find, and I love them. Mel is the closest thing to a pastor I have ever had, and I love him.