daily java - being able to eat

Daily Java:

Whatever they did in their lifetime—loving, hating, envying—is all long gone. They no longer play a part in anything here on earth. So go ahead. Eat your food with joy, and drink your wine with a happy heart, for God approves of this! Wear fine clothes, with a splash of cologne! (Ecclesiastes 9:6-8)

I am really having trouble. I cannot seem to be able to eat. It is not that I do not want to. I love eating and love to eat. And people are banging on me to do so. But for reason my eating mechanism has been short-circuited somewhere.

It comes from the cancer. I lost so much weight so rapidly that I guess I got used to not eating. That was during the time that I had trouble swallowing. But the doctor helped that somewhat by the installation of the stent in my esophagus so food and liquid would go through.

But it seems not to be enough. There is a gag mechanism that has come in that keeps me from eating certain foods. And the list seems to be getting longer every day. Whenever I eat something that fits whatever criteria my body sets up, I begin to try to thrown up. I can usually keep it from happening, but it is decidedly uncomfortable. And it changes sometimes from day to day.

Ella and I tried to figure out what it was that my body would want to reject and we cannot pin it down. Just about the time we think we have it figured out, something changes or moves into the list without our knowing.

For instance, today we tried to pinpoint the things I had the most trouble on and it seemed to be starchy things. I did fine on meats and stuff, but bread, potatoes, other things that were bulky food seemed to be out.

Then tonight I had some roast and cheese. That fit the criteria well, but it didn’t. On the third piece, I was through.

I hate it. People at church are ragging on me to eat and talking about how I should eat little meals and stuff like that. Basically all things I am doing. They think they are doing me a favor but all they are doing is irritating me. I am doing all those things. What else can I do? Nothing.

I am hungry and I want to eat. What am I going to do. I fear becoming anorexic. Those people lose the ability to eat after a while and cannot do so. They starve to death. I do not want to starve to death. All I want to do is eat your food with joy and be happy. The main way we socialize is by my cooking dinner for people. But who wants to come eat dinner with this guy who has two bites and then makes throwing up motions and has to leave the table for a minute, then comes back and pushes his plate back,

Who? No one, that’s who.

I am tired of it.

Father God, give me the ability to eat. Give me the ability to sit with a group of people and cook dinner and sit and eat with them and be happy. Please, Lord. Please. Amen.

i am fast becoming anorexic and i do not know why

I cannot eat for sighing; my groans pour out like water. (Job 3:24)

I am fast becoming anorexic. I have eaten so little that it is amazing I am still alive.

Now anorexic is one word that I never dreamed would be applied to me. It is one of those things that happen to other people. But here I find myself in that situation: if I do not figure out how to start eating again, I will starve to death.

I am not sure why I am in this situation. It isn’t like so many of the web-sites say, a matter of low self-esteem and fear of being fat. I never have liked being fat, but I have also never tried to address it by not eating.

My anorexia stems from the cancer somehow. For a couple of months I could not eat because the cancer was blocking my esophagus and nothing would go through then when it was fixed temporarily with the stent, the heartburn was magnificent and I had trouble there. It kind of evolved into anorexia. I never wanted it.

Oh, sure, it was fun at first seeing the weight go away. I have always wanted to be one of those people who just didn’t eat much. I have always wanted that thin aristocratic look, tall and slim. But, not enough to work toward it. What I wanted was for the food to just not look good after a certain amount of time so I could quit eating.

But whatever the reasons I came into this, I am tired of it and want it to be through so I can eat again. I have lost almost 100 pounds. There are parts of my body that look almost skeletal. I still have enough fat on me that I do not look skeletal all over, but there are visible bones now. When I lie on my side, my rib cage and hip bones are prominent. I have no rear end padding. The toilet seat hurts.

My skin is beginning to hang. My muscles are gone completely, or as near as can be. My legs have no padding at the knees so when I lie on my side, they are bone on bone now. My shoulders are bony. If it were not for the fact that I have shoulders that are wider, I would look horrible.

Dressed I look fine. But people who have only known me for a couple of months are commenting on the fact that I am losing so much weight. They see it in this short a time.

I am tired of losing weight. I sure never thought I would ever say anything like that, for sure. I am at a point now that I could be happy, but as it is I will continue to lose weight and could lose another 30 pounds if I were not careful and cannot get to eating again.

Weird problem for a fat guy, losing too much weight. If I could just eat.