I am suffering and in pain. Rescue me, O God, by your saving power. (Psalm 69:29).I have been in pain for rte past several days. It doesn’t seem to matter how much of my drug supply I take, I am still in pain. Today, I even went so far as to take double my morphine. It dulled it somewhat, but it has not gone away.
The cancer I have is in a place that is hard to control. It is in the esophagus where it meets the stomach. You can feel it in front of your stomach and touch it with your hand.
Sundays when I play my guitar, the guitar lies on it and it hurts. It just seems to hurt all the time. And it takes my mind from what I want to be thinking about and puts its on the cancer.
It makes me tired in general, and when I finally get enough medicine to take it away a little, it makes me feel drugged and sleepy.
But the pain has surprised me. I read about people in pain and never knew what it would be like in a lifestyle situation. It is hard to overcome. It is constant and always present. You find yourself holding that part of your body with you hand, even though it does no good.
I determined at the beginning that I have the cancer, the cancer does not have me, but it has been harder than I thought.
I pray to God for strength and power, but I do not seem to have any right now. I have been asleep all morning from the morphine and I do not like that.
The hyper weight loss has bothered me a lot. I cannot seem to be able to eat. And the result of the weight loss is strong. When I lie on my side in the bed, I can feel the strong and sharp points of my ribs and the hard bone of my pelvis. My skin hangs from my bones. I look truly wasted when undressed.
Dressed, of course, I look all right. But clothes do hide a multitude of sins.
And there is the nagging hunger. I thought for a while that it was all my cancer that was hurting. But I have figured that it may be hunger pangs. I am starving and cannot seem to eat. I fear that I will be come anorexic and not be able to eat again as a normal person.
The hair falling out I can deal with. It is, after all, only hair and I will grow back. I have had a burr before and can again with no real problem.
I just do not like being helpless in the face of all this. But I am. And whether I like it or not, it really does not matter, God has allowed me to go through this, and so I do. I just hope I make a better witness at the end than now.
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